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• On your first night you will fail to find a mooring spot and have to tie your boat to a random tree stump in the wilds. You will light a flying lantern to christen your cruise but fail to read the instructions. Instead of elevating, it will plummet to the water. You will then panic that it is still alight and spend the next 20 minutes trying to push it away from your boat without falling overboard.

• Prepare yourself for the inevitable holiday love-making of your fellow crew member couples. What can I say?

Walls are thin and night on the river is quiet. Noise travels if you catch my meaning. Opt for earplugs or jovial encouragement of the ‘keep up a steady rhythm now’ Victoria Wood sketch commentary.

• You will awake at 7am to the sound of a rumbling earthquake under your bunk. As you come to you’ll realise that it is in fact the engine starting and that despite this ungodly hour, you are on the move again. The early barger catches the highly sought after mooring spot.

• Expect to, at least once, come across the most perfect looking pub on the riverside. You will make an unanimous decision to eat there, only to find there are no mooring spots left. You will moor up opposite said perfect pub, on the wrong side of the river with no bridges in sight. Inevitably this will also be the moment you realise you’ve ran out of beer.

• You will embrace all of the above and have fun. In approximately four days you will return to the boatyard having had the time of your life and will immediately rebook to repeat the adventure next year.

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